wintermute_ca

09:24 am: Why can't I beat the Stars 30/60?
Last year's stats for LO8 on Stars:


This year's stats:



Is the 30 that much tougher to beat than the 75 because of the regular players in the 30 who can't sew their vaginas shut and play the 75? That's my best guess, because I'm obviously tightening up according to the average number of players at the table. Could also be a small sample size issue, and I'm either a winner at 30 longrun or a loser at 75... but the results look consistent over this timeframe, and the stdev's are at 20BB/100 for both levels, meaning that after 10k hands the CI is only about 10BB wide.

It's also evident that I'm loosening up from last year to this year, I take this as an indication that I need to stop playing when I'm stoned off my ass. For some reason when I take down a couple bowls I start to see all these weird ways that I might be able to snake the occasional pot here and there that I don't normally "see." Fun when it works out, like here:

POKERSTARS GAME #9721638744: OMAHA HI/LO LIMIT ($75/$150) - 2007/05/02 - 21:53:44 (ET)
Table 'Koon IV' 10-max Seat #2 is the button
Seat 1: BV37 ($2000 in chips)
Seat 2: Elliesa ($4335.50 in chips)
Seat 3: fat_nutz ($2298.50 in chips)
Seat 5: mrb513 ($8066 in chips)
Seat 6: bostoner ($2267.50 in chips)
Seat 9: berdyfish ($3072 in chips)
fat_nutz: posts small blind $50
wausau1: is sitting out
mrb513: posts big blind $75
BV37: posts small & big blinds $125
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to fat_nutz [Kd 9c 2c 4h]
bostoner: folds
wausau1 has returned
berdyfish: folds
BV37: raises $75 to $150
Elliesa: folds
fat_nutz: calls $100
mrb513: calls $75
*** FLOP *** [Js Qd 4c]
fat_nutz: checks
mrb513: bets $75
BV37: raises $75 to $150
fat_nutz: calls $150
mrb513: calls $75
*** TURN *** [Js Qd 4c] [8c]
fat_nutz: checks
mrb513: checks
BV37: bets $150
fat_nutz: calls $150
mrb513: folds
*** RIVER *** [Js Qd 4c 8c] [Ts]
fat_nutz: bets $150
BV37: folds
fat_nutz collected $1247 from pot


but as you can imagine those winners are few and far between.

05:07 pm: God fucking DAMMIT days like this make me hate poker.
Motherfuck LO8.



Hello LHE.

11:29 pm: AAMP'D MOBILE BITDH
I WOULD CRUSH HER.

NOT FRIENDLY SLIKE.

DIE WHORE, DIE OF CARPUL UTNNERL.

03:10 pm: Can somebody teach me how to play PLO8 again?
Can. Not. Win. Single. Fucking. Pot.


POKERSTARS GAME #9588548526: OMAHA HI/LO POT LIMIT ($3/$6) - 2007/04/24 - 17:47:57 (ET)
Table 'Meges' 9-max Seat #6 is the button
Seat 3: fat_nutz ($610 in chips)
Seat 4: relaxe ($236.30 in chips)
Seat 5: dolfphen ($495.35 in chips)
Seat 6: Skyhawk20 ($784.80 in chips)
fat_nutz: posts small blind $3
relaxe: posts big blind $6
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to fat_nutz [9c Ah 2d Ac]
dolfphen: folds
Skyhawk20: folds
fat_nutz: raises $12 to $18
relaxe: calls $12
*** FLOP *** [Tc 3c 7c]
fat_nutz: bets $24
relaxe: calls $24
*** TURN *** [Tc 3c 7c] [Jh]
fat_nutz: bets $54
relaxe: raises $140.30 to $194.30 and is all-in
fat_nutz: calls $140.30
*** RIVER *** [Tc 3c 7c Jh] [3s]
*** SHOW DOWN ***
fat_nutz: shows [9c Ah 2d Ac] (HI: a flush, Ace high)
relaxe: shows [7h Td 6c Th] (HI: a full house, Tens full of Threes)
relaxe collected $470.60 from pot


POKERSTARS GAME #9588628915: OMAHA HI/LO POT LIMIT ($3/$6) - 2007/04/24 - 17:53:09 (ET)
Table 'Meges' 9-max Seat #6 is the button
Seat 3: fat_nutz ($652.50 in chips)
Seat 5: dolfphen ($452.25 in chips)
Seat 6: Skyhawk20 ($786.90 in chips)
fat_nutz: posts small blind $3
dolfphen: posts big blind $6
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to fat_nutz [8c 7h 2c Ah]
Skyhawk20: folds
fat_nutz: raises $12 to $18
dolfphen: calls $12
*** FLOP *** [Td 9d 5c]
fat_nutz: bets $35
dolfphen: raises $105 to $140
fat_nutz: calls $105
*** TURN *** [Td 9d 5c] [6h]
fat_nutz: bets $315
dolfphen: calls $294.25 and is all-in
*** RIVER *** [Td 9d 5c 6h] [5h]
*** SHOW DOWN ***
fat_nutz: shows [8c 7h 2c Ah] (HI: a straight, Six to Ten)
dolfphen: shows [Ad 2h 5s 5d] (HI: four of a kind, Fives)
dolfphen collected $903.50 from pot


POKERSTARS GAME #9583514872: OMAHA HI/LO POT LIMIT ($3/$6) - 2007/04/24 - 11:39:37 (ET)
Table 'Achernar II' 6-max Seat #1 is the button
Seat 1: namdeerf ($199.90 in chips)
Seat 2: fat_nutz ($772.50 in chips)
Seat 4: ihatecake ($549.65 in chips)
fat_nutz: posts small blind $3
ihatecake: posts big blind $6
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to fat_nutz [As Td 4s Qh]
namdeerf: calls $6
fat_nutz: raises $18 to $24
ihatecake: raises $54 to $78
namdeerf: folds
fat_nutz: calls $54
*** FLOP *** [4d Qs 9d]
fat_nutz: checks
ihatecake: bets $161
fat_nutz: raises $483 to $644
ihatecake: calls $310.65 and is all-in
*** TURN *** [4d Qs 9d] [7c]
*** RIVER *** [4d Qs 9d 7c] [5d]
*** SHOW DOWN ***
fat_nutz: shows [As Td 4s Qh] (HI: two pair, Queens and Fours)
ihatecake: shows [Ad 4h Js 2d] (HI: a flush, Ace high; LO: 7,5,4,2,A)
ihatecake collected $552.15 from pot
ihatecake collected $552.15 from pot


POKERSTARS GAME #9583890814: OMAHA HI/LO POT LIMIT ($3/$6) - 2007/04/24 - 12:12:02 (ET)
Table 'Achernar II' 6-max Seat #2 is the button
Seat 1: namdeerf ($425.20 in chips)
Seat 2: fat_nutz ($523.60 in chips)
Seat 3: spectrabyp ($345 in chips)
Seat 4: ihatecake ($1323.90 in chips)
Seat 5: THDNB ($563.70 in chips)
Seat 6: sandman651 ($675.30 in chips)
spectrabyp: posts small blind $3
ihatecake: posts big blind $6
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to fat_nutz [Ah 3h Ks 7c]
THDNB: calls $6
sandman651: folds
namdeerf: calls $6
fat_nutz: raises $27 to $33
spectrabyp: calls $30
ihatecake: folds
THDNB: calls $27
namdeerf: folds
*** FLOP *** [5s Kc 9s]
spectrabyp: checks
THDNB: checks
fat_nutz: bets $108
spectrabyp: calls $108
THDNB: folds
*** TURN *** [5s Kc 9s] [7s]
spectrabyp: checks
fat_nutz: bets $324
spectrabyp: calls $204 and is all-in
*** RIVER *** [5s Kc 9s 7s] [As]
*** SHOW DOWN ***
spectrabyp: shows [Ad 8s Ac 5c] (HI: three of a kind, Aces)
fat_nutz: mucks hand
spectrabyp collected $732 from pot


POKERSTARS GAME #9583535340: OMAHA HI/LO POT LIMIT ($3/$6) - 2007/04/24 - 11:41:30 (ET)
Table 'Achernar II' 6-max Seat #2 is the button
Seat 1: namdeerf ($169.90 in chips)
Seat 2: fat_nutz ($236.85 in chips)
Seat 4: ihatecake ($1112.30 in chips)
ihatecake: posts small blind $3
namdeerf: posts big blind $6
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to fat_nutz [Qh 2d 2h Ad]
fat_nutz: raises $15 to $21
ihatecake: folds
namdeerf: raises $45 to $66
fat_nutz: calls $45
*** FLOP *** [5d 2s 5c]
namdeerf: bets $103.90 and is all-in
fat_nutz: calls $103.90
*** TURN *** [5d 2s 5c] [Qs]
*** RIVER *** [5d 2s 5c Qs] [Kc]
*** SHOW DOWN ***
namdeerf: shows [Ac Ah Kd Kh] (HI: a full house, Kings full of Fives)
fat_nutz: mucks hand
namdeerf collected $341.80 from pot


POKERSTARS GAME #9570526648: OMAHA HI/LO POT LIMIT ($3/$6) - 2007/04/23 - 16:01:31 (ET)
Table 'Lioba II' 6-max Seat #2 is the button
Seat 2: fat_nutz ($615 in chips)
Seat 6: texaspl ($743.60 in chips)
fat_nutz: posts small blind $3
texaspl: posts big blind $6
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to fat_nutz [Js Kc Jd 9c]
fat_nutz: calls $3
texaspl: raises $12 to $18
fat_nutz: calls $12
*** FLOP *** [Th Qc 4c]
texaspl: bets $35
fat_nutz: raises $105 to $140
texaspl: raises $315 to $455
fat_nutz: raises $142 to $597 and is all-in
texaspl: calls $142
*** TURN *** [Th Qc 4c] [6h]
*** RIVER *** [Th Qc 4c 6h] [4d]
*** SHOW DOWN ***
texaspl: shows [Ac 4h Jh Ks] (HI: three of a kind, Fours)
fat_nutz: mucks hand
texaspl collected $1229 from pot


POKERSTARS GAME #9570417789: OMAHA HI/LO POT LIMIT ($3/$6) - 2007/04/23 - 15:54:36 (ET)
Table 'Lioba II' 6-max Seat #2 is the button
Seat 2: fat_nutz ($574.80 in chips)
Seat 6: texaspl ($383 in chips)
fat_nutz: posts small blind $3
texaspl: posts big blind $6
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to fat_nutz [Js Jh 3d 3h]
fat_nutz: calls $3
texaspl: checks
*** FLOP *** [Kh Jd 2c]
texaspl: bets $11.40
fat_nutz: raises $34.20 to $45.60
texaspl: raises $102.60 to $148.20
fat_nutz: raises $307.80 to $456
texaspl: calls $228.80 and is all-in
*** TURN *** [Kh Jd 2c] [8d]
*** RIVER *** [Kh Jd 2c 8d] [Ah]
*** SHOW DOWN ***
texaspl: shows [Qc 4s Th 9h] (HI: a straight, Ten to Ace)
fat_nutz: mucks hand
texaspl collected $765 from pot


Good thing I run hotter than the sun at 30/60.

09:16 am: AM I THE ONLY ONE
getting dick drug emails with this picture embedded?






I just can't imagine this business model could be successful. They're basically banking on dudes buying drugs to make their dick big and black, and hoping that the boss walking in while you're glancing at an email with a chick gazing at a big black cock won't sway your buyer's intent. what the fuck is that shit dude

02:18 pm: REPORT FROM THE FRONTLINES OF MY PERSONAL WAR ON SOBRIETY: DAY 10
Recently it became apparent to me that life was craftily harboring a WMD that could potentially wreak havoc against my general well-being. The WMD in question was the impending wrapping up of my dissertation and thereby finishing of grad school. If that fucker were unleashed on me, not only would I sustain a significant casualty in losing my $1800/month stipend that's currently given to me for literally doing nothing, but I would probably also have my 90 minutes of advisor-related meetings replaced by a 40-hour workweek: a nearly-2700% increase in my time accountable to the man.

These horrors alone were enough to cause me to contemplate suicide, but last Monday I received the delivery of a substantial sack of sweet, purple-budded hydroponic weed. At the moment of delivery, as I gazed into the delicious-looking crystals of THC that peppered my drug spoils, my course in life also crystallized: to prevent graduating from school permanently, I would wage a war on sobriety.

The initial campaign witnessed a phase of veritable shock and awe, as I pounded bowl after bowl at regular intervals throughout the day, starting with a wake and bake and closing with a goodnight toke, all the while polishing off the sizable store of beer in the apartment. I also watched the entire second season of 24, and experienced all sorts of realizations that are obscured to the sober, such as how high winds are the greatest natural enemy to the homeless, greater than even rain or snow, or bears. And how I figured out how I could get back at this bitch of an ex-girlfriend for old time’s sake, by auditioning for and getting on the next MTV Real World, and then at some point in the middle of the season, making some elaborate confession/apology thing about how I was cheating on that bitch for the ENTIRE 2 and a half years we dated (when in truth I never did). Think about how hard that would *completely* flip around the final upper hand in that relationship. I’d give everyone that knows her, even HER family members and shit I haven’t ever met, the false impression that she got fooled around on for a full 2 and a half years, completely not realizing it. I also perfected my preparation of Pepperidge Farm Garlic Texas Toast by mowing down half a dozen boxes of the shit, both in the toaster and on the gas grill, such that now I can attain a perfect browning of both sides of said delicacy in minimum time by a well-tuned trajectory of toast/grill temperature.

Still, by the time Thursday rolled around, I was still waking up with only a vague aftertaste of inebriation. That was when I realized that sobriety was a much more staunch opponent than I had originally estimated. Insurgents of self-restraint were popping up all over the place, like phone calls from the tax man to sign various important documents, and requests from my advisor to produce a grant report. Rather than winning this war in 1 hour, or 1 day, or even 1 week, I might need to sustain the beatdown for a longer period.

At that point, I made a decision. It was time to step the fuck up and DOMINATE this fucker.

I reloaded on beer and that afternoon I took down several of them along with 2 bowls, then hit Triple Rock for Monkeyhead night. Multiple 40-oz bottles of 12% doublebock were vanquished over some games of backgammon with Cartwright, after which a larger group returned to the home base for several additional bowls and a bottle and a half of Jameson. I was royally fucked up that night, and just as I had planned, was able to turn Friday into a full-fledged bender, never even approaching the semblence of soberness. And on Saturday, I delivered what I thought would be the deathblow, by eating nothing but a single apple prior to destroying multiple bowls and 3 margaritas consisting of 3 shots Sauza + 1 shot Triple Sec each, then hitting bars with a college friend. That night, I am told, ended in resounding success as I rebuffed the advances of a tight-bodied bartender bitch with the demand that she "fix me a REAL fucking water goddamit."

On Sunday afternoon, I detected through the thick haze of residual weed buzz that my beer reserves had dwindled precipitously, and so hastily assembled a BBQ in which I advised everyone who was coming to bring beer since everyone else would end up bringing only salad and other shit, knowing full well that I would end up with a restocked reserve of brews when the dust settled. And using that supply in addition to the still-well-stocked reserve of pot, I have managed to ward off sobriety's advances well into Week 2.

But I have some serious misgivings about the final destination of this war. For one thing, I have a growing fear that my tolerance is beginning to skyrocket, reducing the impact of each subsequent bowl or drink. Also, my supply is not infinite, and my financial situation has taken a hit, in that I lost $16k over this period playing online poker while completely twisted to shit. Although I did manage to turn my 9th $500 buyin at backgammon site Play65 into close to $6000, I am still at -$14.5k in total, or running at a rate of -$1,450 per day of battle, not including the incidental cost of supplies such as booze and drugs, and the rare food ration.

But mark my words, fuckers, I will not be defeated easily. And if I do go down in flames of sobriety and woefully graduate, the last thing I utter to my advisor will be stolen from Grady Tripp: "Well... thank you for the thought, but shocking as it may sound, I am not the first writer to sip a little weed. Furthermore, it might surprise you to know that this dissertation I wrote, as you say, 'under the influence,' just happened to win a little something called a Ph.D. Which, by the way, I am accepting under the influence."

04:40 pm: JEEEEEEESUS CHRIST. WHAT A BUNCH OF JACKOFFS.
FUCKING JOE HACHEM, WSOP CHAMP, HAS MY CHAT BANNED. WHAT A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT. OH WELL THANKS FOR THE $700 JOE YA FUCK.


Hello fat_nutz,

We have received a complaint regarding your use of inappropriate language at our tables. After reviewing the chat log (see below), it was decided to remove your chat privileges for a period of 6 months.
Your language was highly offensive and completely unacceptable.

Our goal at PokerStars is to be a fun place to play, where everyone can feel comfortable. Foul language and abuse of other players takes away from everyone's enjoyment, and therefore will not be permitted.

Please note that you may not be the only one receiving a message such as this. When we receive a chat complaint, we review the entire chat of all players at the table. Any other offenders at the table were also warned or revoked as appropriate to our policies.

Your chat privileges will be reinstated in six months.


Regards,


PokerStars Support Team

---
96389189 fat_nutz FKING PUSSIE 6 3/30/2007 1:04:52 PM
96389189 fat_nutz YOU CAN'T SWING A DEAD CAT WITHOUT HITTING SOME HOT SLOOT WANTING TO GET DDRILLED HUH 6 3/30/2007 1:08:09 PM
96389189 fat_nutz JOE U FKIN FLOPPED A 3-7 STR FOR 7 MILLION OR WHATEVER, AND YOU WANT TO WHINE ABOUT BAD BEATS? 6 3/30/2007 1:12:33 PM

11:08 am: There goes the rest of my day....
http://www.flickr.com/photos/binkysgirls/











Sigh. Where were these nasty sluts when I was in college.

02:02 pm: Real Life Brain-Teaser
Earlier today, I encountered an enigma that prompted me to send the following email to Cartwright and my brother who's a doctor:

"Since getting a new bathroom scale a couple days ago, I’ve developed a sick interest in the weight loss I incur by taking a piss or a shit, since I can easily measure this by weight differential of pre- and post-bathroom usage. I’ve noticed that there are some weird (or at least extremely counter-intuitive) things going on, mainly the weight of my pisses drastically exceeds the weight of my shits… for example, when I woke up this morning I weighed myself and then took a piss and then weighed myself again, and went from 181 to 179.2. The day before, I went from 180.8 to 179.4. (Believe it or not, I’m keeping track of this stuff in an Excel spreadsheet.) So on average, that first morning piss is worth about a pound and a half! On the other hand, I just took a massive shit, conservatively the size of a full roll of Ritz crackers, and only went from 181.4 to 181. It was a giant turd and only weighed 0.4 lb! I’m about 90% sure this thing was a sinker, although it was pretty massive and may just have been wedged into the bottom of the bowl. But if it was indeed a sinker though, then its density exceeds that of water and means that my morning pisses must have a volume greater than that of 4 rolls of Ritz crackers. This seems impossible to me, that my bladder could hold that large of a volume.

Right off the bat, I could think of three possible explanations, but none seemed plausible:

1) the turd is actually a floater that got wedged, so taking density into account, shits are just generally much lighter than pisses even if volumes are similar. I don’t really buy this because I often take large shits that sink

2) refraction of light at the water-air interface fools me into thinking the turd was bigger than it actually is. Possible, but feels unlikely. and certainly I’m not going to verify.

3) the scale is imprecise, and I just happened to measure large pisses and one large-volume shit as relatively light. However, this scale seems to have excellent precision—I’ve weighed myself over and over once right after another and always get the same weight.

So this is a big mystery to me, what do you guys think?"


Then, in a moment of sheer genius, I figured it out, and with a couple tests I solved the enigma. $50 Stars transfer to the first person who can figure out what was going on, and how I verified it. Cartwright of course keep your mouth shut.

09:02 pm: I've made my case for woman-with-the-best-ass in a previous entry (http://wintermute-ca.livejournal.com/2006/09/28/), and that ass is attached to Vida Guerra. Today, I turn my attention to the other vital female body part, the tits.



Much is misunderstood about tits. Many hold the opinion that tit-quality is a subjective matter. I disagree. When you encounter someone who says this, you have just met someone who does not know how to properly rate a set of tits. Once you narrow the field down to those who agree tit-judging is an objective matter, there are also some who say that tits ought to be grouped into various categories, with each category being optimized for one function. The followers of this line of thinking believe that some tits are built for squeezing, some are designed to receive the moneyshot, others are fine-tuned to be swatted to and fro like one of those perpetual-motion ball desk ornaments, and still others are best suited to be viciously titty-fucked until they get matching grooves on the inside faces. This, too, is wrong. A good set of tits will serve all functions equally well. They are versatile enough to be handled like a set of video game controllers, then titty-fucked, and finally used as a backboard for the money-shot into the eye.

The best tits I have ever seen are the tits hanging off the front of Keeley Hazell.





God fucking dammit does she have awesome tits. To make my case, let's examine several points of tit evaluation, to see why these tits are perfect.

1. Tit Size

Obviously, tits should be huge. Nobody likes small tits:



Bitch, shut your mouth and wipe the smirk off your face. Your tits are awful. Also, your tattoo makes me want to sell you to a prison brothel. Worthless whore.

On the flipside, it's real easy to overdo hugeness to the point where you just want to punch the tits:



We can only hope this chick passes out drunk on her back with her head below her feet so those giant bags of tit-flesh will suffocate her. Disgusting, not to mention she has an awful tattoo as well.

A good way to verify that you are dealing with a properly-sized set of tits is the arms-over-the-head pose. In this position, the tits should still appear huge--there needs to still be a cusp at the base of the tits, indicating ripeness and deliciousness. A small tit will shrivel up and disappear in this position. That's why you always see twig-looking ho's leaning over to maximize cleavage. Fucking cheaters, that's what they are. Here's Keeley performing the arms-over-head pose, proving her tits' worthiness of my approval:



Holy shit. Those are some incredible tits.


2. Fake Tits

Many dudes claim fake tits are a bad thing. They are faggots. Fake tits are fine, as long as they just resemble huge real tits. Too much obvious fakeness and you can tell the woman was put together in a laboratory and her snatch will snap your johnson off. Here's a set of horrible fake tits:



While are you smiling, strumpet? Your tits look like a couple of plungers under taut, skin-colored saranwrap. Nobody wants to deal with a pair of cement tits. By contrast, Keeley's tits may well be fake, but no picture will ever betray it if that's the case. For example, her tits are suspiciously firm in the laying-down position, however the curves are still right:



Fucking A. If I ever met this chick in person, I would have to resist the temptation to rip her tits off and then mount them on a plaque to hang on my wall or mash them up into tit-flavored preserves to spread on an english muffin.


3. Side-Boob

The most overlooked position. Most chicks try to hide the flaws of their tits by hiding them in the side-boob configuration with some faux-creative posing. Example:



She's clearly hiding something, probably the underside of her tit is rotting away or something. Nice try, bitch, I'm passing.

A good side-boob will be proudly displayed. A couple Keeley side-boob shots:





Motherfucker. The milk from those tits would undoubtedly provide immortality.


4. Tit Spacing

Nothing is worse than a set of tits that is spaced too far apart. Take a chick with eyes too far apart: looks like a fucking fish. Or a chick with a gap in the front teeth. There is no excuse for those types of flaws, so why should gapped-tits be spared? Here are a few examples of tits too far apart, yet otherwise pretty decent:



In the middle ages, bitches who tried to disguise their enormous boob gap by draping their hair in between were set on fire. I for one am disappointed that this practice fell out of favor.



Hey these look pretty good, oh wait, you are fucking cheating aren't you, bitch. Squeezing them in from the side with your arms oldest chick in the book. Let's see you without the prop:



Just as I thought, now get the fuck out of my kitchen.

Another look at Keeley for contrast. Perfectly spaced headlights:






Anyone who can find a better set of tits I'll ship you $100 on Stars. Not a fucking chance in hell though.

10:21 am: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
Barbaro is finally dead: http://sports.espn.go.com/sports/horse/news/story?id=2747087. High five!

That cocksucker cost me more than any other racehorse. RIP, fuckstick.


That reminds me of the time me and Cartwright took a couple chicks to Golden Gate Fields. I had a pretty big bet on some horse that was a huge favorite over the field, paid maybe 2:5 or something like that. Well, my horse was kicking ass the whole way, but down the straightaway some asshole 15-1 longshot comes out of nowhere and nicks the favorite at the finish line, and I'm superpissed. But I got the last laugh: the winning horse ended up running so fucking fast he overheated and had a heart attack, started going buck wild right there on the track in front of the grandstand, then suddenly dropped dead. Some trainer comes out and throws a bucket of water on that asshole horse (to presumably cool it off--hello dipshit, the horse is already dead), that was funny too. Meanwhile, my date was this veterinary technician who was crying and looking on in horror as I was nodding with satisfaction and telling anyone within earshot that asshole horse got what he deserved. Meanwhile, the horse ambulance pulls out on the track and they literally drag this horse off the track into the back of it, seriously high comedy. My veterinarian date chick later told me that I was a jerk about the whole thing and that some trainer had probably loaded the winning horse up with drugs to make it run so fast it would die, it wasn't so uncommon, blah blah blah. Still she's a relaible fuck-buddy, though, so victory: Wintermute, all around.

10:26 am: Back to using the internet purely as an aid for masturbation.
Neteller is done offering service to US customers, so are many other similar avenues (like Central Coin and a bunch of other eWallets I'd never heard of until an alternative to Neteller was needed) since the poker sites won't deal with them. It's now become prohibitively difficult to get reasonable amounts of money into the sites (even a bank wire is "unavailable in the US" at PokerStars), so you can expect to see the bad players gradually stop playing. It'll also cause problems for winning players who aren't dumb enough to keep their entire BR on the poker sites because everyone eventually runs bad enough to require a re-deposit, and reloading to a reasonable online balance to play usual stakes is virtually impossible. I fall into this category--after running so bad over the past 8 weeks that even the worst players are beating me at fucking 2/4 stakes, I've decided that enough is enough: I'm done with online poker.

So here's my new plan: lob off $150k or whatever for the fucking US gov't, then fill out a margin/options upgrade application for my Ameritrade account and go fucking wild. I'm reasonably confident that fucking Congress won't find a way to prevent people from playng the stock market online.

Hope you enjoyed the journal, & never forget that I am better than you at poker.

Stay straight--

WM

06:21 pm: FuckfuckfuckfuKCUKFUKUFKCUFUKCmotherFUCK.
I just logged into Pinnacle for a session of gazing at my dominant winning graded wagers while masturbating, and I am immediately cock-blocked by a greeting message that explained Pinnacle has pulled out of the US market thanks to the new gambling ban.

This is just pure fucking insanity. If I want to piss my money away on sportsbetting or poker or blackjack or horses or underage arson-related porn, who are these "lawmakers" to prevent me? Eat shit and die, you donkey-raping shiteaters.

04:05 pm: NFL Divisional Weekend
All the road dogs, all moneylines:


Indianapolis Colts vs Baltimore Ravens, +183, $54.65 to win $100

Philadelphia Eagles vs New Orleans Saints, +208, $48.08 to win $100

Seattle Seahawks vs Chicago Bears, +355, $28.17 to win $100

New England Patriots vs San Diego Chargers, +212, $47.17 to win $100



Since I hooked it up on the Pats, the odds have moved quite a bit--it's SD -216 now, so if it slides another 10 or so I might have to hedge and take the dollar or so of guaranteed profit, purely on principle.

Also thinking about the SB futures. Right now it's NFC +229, which seems fucking high. Granted the NFC sucks major dick but I'm not sure any NFL football game is so one-sided that 7-3 is justfiable. Also the field against SD & Chi at -149 is intriguing, given that no way in hell does Chicago win it considering their disaster at QB. For single teams, it's rated as SD, Balt, Chi (wtf?), Indy, NE, NO, Philly, Seattle. Seattle's +3000. Yeah they suck, but that bad? Tough to believe. And Indy at +797 in comparison to SD at +239, give me a fucking break. I think I may put a bill on Indy, a few bucks on Seattle, take the field against SD & Chi, and wait a weekend to see what happens in the NFC to decide on that conference futures one. I mean what if Chi and Philly get through, then you have a case for 7-3 against NFC.

Some other shit I'm considering down the road is Federer to win the French (+204) and Nadal to not win it (-160). The Nadal odds are sliding to more favorable though, so I'm going to hold out.

02:24 pm: NCAA Title Game
After pretty well dominating on the wildcard games (took the over for a hundo on the NE/NY game too, for a total weekend net of $183), it's time to parlay on the NCAA championship game tonight.

Standard psychological hedge: Fla moneyline, $37 to win $100, with the under (47), $102 to win $100.

Go Bucks, win it 3-0.

03:33 pm: Stripper forums.... fucking GOLD.
Some pretty hilarious stuff on this stripper forum (http://www.stripperweb.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=149&page=2&order=desc), plus a look down the rabbit hole of stripper-whoredom.



"custy hits an all-time low...what a loser."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At one point tonight, I sat down with this one (fat, old, socially-awkward-looking) guy. Said hi, i'm elena, how are you? He looked at me, grunted, motioned to his ear and shrugged. Thinking he didn't hear me, I repeated myself. Again he put his finger to his ear and made a face at me. I tried making a few more attempts at small talk...nope, still the "I can't hear you" pantomime.

So I figured, fuck it; time to move on. About half an hour later I was waiting by the LD area for a custy to get money from the ATM for his dances...and there was Signore I-Can't-Hear-You, talking to another guy. He was in front of me and didn't see me, so I got a whiff of their conversation. His friend was like "i just got back from a dance". He replied "fuck that, I just pretend I'm deaf so I don't have to deal with these bitches trying to hit me up for dances."

WTF WTF WTF? What a fucking loser. First of all, if the idea of *gasp!* actually getting a dance offends you SO DAMN MUCH, stay the FUCK HOME! Second...is this guy castrated or what?? Pretending to be deaf so he doesn't have to "deal with" talking to any dancers? Can't even say no like an average non-spending cheap loser; has to give pathetic a whole new meaning and pretend he can't hear me/us?

11:29 am: NFL Playoffs.
Time to light some more money on fire.


Wager Type: Straight Bet

Indianapolis Colts 6-January-2007 1:30 PM PST
Money Line for Game -315
Risking 315.00 to Win 100.00 USD

Dallas Cowboys 6-January-2007 5:00 PM PST
Money Line for Game +125
Risking 80.00 to Win 100.00 USD

New England Patriots 7-January-2007 10:00 AM PST
Money Line for Game -380
Risking 380.00 to Win 100.00 USD

New York Giants 7-January-2007 1:30 PM PST
Money Line for Game +273
Risking 38.00 to Win 103.74 USD

12:24 pm: Worst "novel" I've ever read.
I got hold of Brandon Adam's book, "Broke: A Poker Novel." He ought to release a 2nd edition under the revised title "Broke: A Fucking Horrible Piece of Shit that Barely Even Resembles a Novel, In Any Way Whatsoever." No plot, no compelling characters, no conflict or resolution, no continuity, basically no single characteristic that one could admire. By the way, this "novel" is 91 pages long. You couldn't use it as a coaster on a wooden table for fear of moisture bleeding all the way through it. The only reasonable explanation I could think of for this abortion of a book is that the publishers removed the last 3/4's of the book because they ran out of paper.

12:59 pm: Getting more (in)famous.
Check out this thread at 2+2, pretty hilarious. I was playing some douche HU 50/100 LO8 this morning and after running extremely bad and getting stuck about $3000 I finally turned it around, got back to even, then won a final hand and sat out up $180 or so on this guy. He starts pissing and moaning about me hitting and running him even though we'd played ~200 hands, which I thought was pretty hilarious. Unfortunately, I obviously couldn't chat and tell him what a faggoty little bitch he was being so I ended up just sitting in and out over and over again to torture him. Finally he got fed up and posts about it on 2+2:

http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/showflat.php?Cat=0&Board=omaha8&Number=8473260&page=0&fpart=all


Speaking of 2+2, if you haven't read the thread about Brandi Hawbaker and that guy who won the Borgata for 1.5MM, you are really missing out. She turns out to be a ex-stripper con-artist poker chick who, among other things, offered anal sex in exchange for a stake to a *satellite* to a WPT event, and he evidently loaned out a quarter million to "friends" who then predictably went out and blew it all. The thread will take a while to load, it got up to something like 2500 posts already. I wouldn't recommend reading the whole thing cover-to-cover, but there are some random morons in there contributing some pretty funny pearls of wisdom like "She sounds like she is bi-polar, and that is a psychotic illness, meaning she actually loses touch with reality. Anybody talking about 'aw man, what a crazy bitch' I don't think has had experience with actual crazy bitches."

http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/showflat.php?Cat=0&Board=gossip&Number=8448402&page=0&fpart=all


Poker forums, I mean what can you say. Between the astonishingly awful strategy advice and brazen displays of idiocy in poker-related life, you can get a pretty good feel for the general level of stupidity of people in the poker world, and that's about it.

10:57 pm: Matusow bans my chat redux
HakAllah: hey how are ya mike
Mike Matusow: they gave u your chat back i see u gonna be good or do i need to do something again
HakAllah: lol
howisitfeellike: mike
HakAllah: they gave me my chat back because i rule
howisitfeellike: evrybody here plays 500 100 lets start one
howisitfeellike: twice and ahalf more fun
Mike Matusow: lets play 1200plo 8
Mike Matusow: or 50 100
howisitfeellike: get people and juanada and im in
Mike Matusow: im serious hak u get out of line again its gone for yr
HakAllah: if juanda sits i'll play 50/100
HakAllah: lol
HakAllah: relax mike
Mike Matusow: ok
HakAllah: i won't call you a fat convict again
Mike Matusow: im fine
HakAllah: oops
HakAllah: i mean, from now on
Mike Matusow: why u pushing it
HakAllah: lol
HakAllah: sry dude
HakAllah: couldn't resist
Mike Matusow: u must like not chating
Mike Matusow: casue i aswear next time u wont get it back
HakAllah: i figured out how to type like you mike
HakAllah: use your knuckles only
howisitfeellike: leave mike alone its hard to eat cheeseburger and type same time try your self
HakAllah: fsft conmvict
HakAllah: see?
Mike Matusow: i think u dont need to cha tanymore hak
HakAllah: aw come on dude
Mike Matusow: yea u done
HakAllah: :(
Mike Matusow: i gave u chances
HakAllah: all i gotta do is track down another pro
HakAllah: who likes when i talk sht to you
HakAllah: to get my chat reinstated
HakAllah: might as well save the effort of callign support and shutting me down
HakAllah: well, just in case you do shut off my chat mikey
HakAllah: let's work out a form of communication
HakAllah: sort of like morse code.
HakAllah: when i want to say "fk you mike" I'll bet
HakAllah: when I want to say "shut the fk up" I'll raise
Jew anda: you want his home number?
Mike Matusow: good bye hak and this time u not getting it back
HakAllah: and when I want to say "fat convict" I will fold
HakAllah: aight catch u all alter



aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, my chat's banned again.